Never High-Five Your Cat

From Chicken Soup for the Soul: What I Learned from the Cat

BY: By Lynn Maddalena Menna

ats as a class, have never completely got over the snootiness caused by that fact that in Ancient Egypt they were worshipped as gods.

~P.G. Wodehouse

When a little black cat decided to become part of our family, there was a certain period of adjustment. Not being pet owners, we were absolutely clueless on the care and keeping of felines. You'll be happy to learn that Toonsie turned out to be an excellent teacher and my husband and I are now very well trained. For those of you contemplating adopting a kitten, I'd like to share with you a few pearls of wisdom that we picked up.

10. Never High-Five Your Cat

There may be moments when you wish to congratulate your cat for a task well done. Try to avoid the traditional high-five--or low-five, for that matter--as they tend to flex their claws on impact, leaving your palm with tiny triangular flags of skin. It's your cat's little way of reminding you who's in charge. Not that you need reminding--that was firmly established in the first five minutes of making her acquaintance.

9. Avoid a Midnight Swim in the Dark

Now of course we know that cats don't swim. Most of them hate water and consider anyone who immerses themselves in liquid to be a total idiot. Still, if your cat is used to watching you take a daytime dip, she'll keep her eye on you, but leave you to enjoy your swim. Not so if you decide to take that dip in the dark. Avoid this at all costs unless you wish to have your cat clinging to your screen like a very loud decorative ornament. You see, you think you're alone in the dark, but your cat can see all the nocturnal creatures out there and will continuously scream a warning at her rather obtuse parents.

8. Napping One Hour Prior to Your Cat's Supper Is a No-No

You know how you stick a toothpick into a baking cake to see if it's done? Well, Toonsie will stick one sharp claw into you to see if you're still alive and able to feed her dinner. She may not be hungry yet, but prefers the peace of mind that food service will run smoothly at the first rumble of her tummy. She will continue this test every ten minutes just to be on the safe side. Not only will you not have slept, but you'll probably have thrown your back out from the landing you took every time she used you as a human pin cushion and you flew into the air.

7. Decorate Your House to Match Your Cat

This may seem like a silly hipster affectation, but trust me, it's not. If the color of your cat matches the color of your rug, sofa, bedspread, any and all comfy spots where she will choose to sleep, it will save endless hours of vacuuming in the long run. Fortunately for us, everything in our house was already black before Toonsie arrived. If down the road we ever get a tabby, for instance, I'd definitely redecorate in beige. It's just easier.

6. Remember that Cats Like to Read

Cats like to keep abreast of current events, so should you open a newspaper, be prepared for your cat to jump on top of it and snuggle in for the long run. Feel free to read around her, but she will not be budged from her sweet spot. Even if you buy your cat her own paper, she will still prefer to read along with you. Just enjoy it.

5. Cats Are Natural Helpers

I can't tell you how many times Toonsie got involved in construction projects around the house. She helped the TV man install a satellite dish on the roof. She assisted the cable guy with wires in the attic. The phone man couldn't have wired the phone in the basement drop ceiling without her. I even watched her follow my husband step for step between the pool filter and skimmer, sticking her nose in to inspect the process right along with him. Of course Toonsie was the most helpful when my husband demolished the bathroom down to the studs in order to remodel it. She never missed an opportunity to get into the floor or ceiling to do an inspection.

4. Never Think You Can Outsmart Your Cat

Like world champion chess players, cats plot their game plan several moves in advance. Whether you are trying to get in or out of the door, climb a stepladder or a flight of stairs, your cat will find a way past you. Just because your cat is sleeping on the other side of the house doesn't mean she is unaware of your actions. Try sitting down for dinner while she's sleeping. Your stealth cat will be sitting between you instantly without the sound of even one paw step. You may not know where she is, but she knows where you are. Get used to it.

3. Keep to a Schedule and NEVER Take a Vacation

There's an urban myth that cats are independent creatures who are aloof and can fend for themselves if left with enough food and fresh water. Not true. To arrive home so much as one hour later than her supper time will result in a very angry cat. She will sit with her back to you and let you know that you are no longer on speaking terms. We needed to take a business trip that would only keep us away one full day. Toonsie was fed breakfast on day one, brunch on day three, and was left big dishes of all her favorite dry foods and canned foods on timers. When we arrived home, not one morsel was touched and she was royally pissed. She stared at us accusingly, stamped her paws when she walked, and refused to come near us. You've never been stung until you've been snubbed by a cat.

2. Always Buy Extra Sushi

Believe me, it's just easier. When placing your sushi order, decide what you can eat and then just order a few extra pieces of sashimi--cats watch their carbs. Toonsie can eat sushi faster than you can cut it into pieces and put it on her plate, and it's probably the only food she will overeat if we don't control her portions. It's a culinary treat that gets to be pretty pricey since she prefers it from a good Japanese restaurant as opposed to the supermarket. Why do we do it? The look in her eyes that tells us, "Raw fish, you two are smarter than I thought," is reward enough for us.

1. Thank Your Lucky Stars Every Day

You've never been loved until you've been loved by a cat. They become an addiction. Toonsie gives us endless hours of entertainment and affection. From waking us for breakfast at sunrise until she gets her goodnight kiss, Toonsie never lets us forget that we're happier people for having her in our lives.